I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize