dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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