I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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