Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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