what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
