Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
