so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
