did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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