Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
