I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
