I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
