proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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