Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
