Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Come on in and take your pants off
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