why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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