Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize