youre lurking in front of me
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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