i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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