I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize