She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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