the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
