I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
