I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
