I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
