you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
