So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
