Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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