i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
