At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
