I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
so much tequila, so little girl.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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