one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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