He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
