i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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