I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
