I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
