I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
