I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize