I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
