I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
