Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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