those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
