Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Randomize
