Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
