Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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