my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You were trust falling into bushes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
