Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
