The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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