It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
