Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
