the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
