I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
