you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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