The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
