I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
