i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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