soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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