he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
