Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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