If that was your dad, he is hot
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
