Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
