But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
