I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
