i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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