I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
